Guilty pleasures and secret shames. Embrace them.

From eating off the floor to grown men dancing to Arianna Grande. Everyone has something they’d prefer others not to know. But if you’re not hurting anyone – who cares!

We’ve all (yes, all) got that little something we do when no-one’s around that we aren’t overly proud of. But it doesn’t hurt anyone…no, not that!

If someone saw me doing this, they’d be surprised. Maybe a little shocked. But what the hey…shrug and we do it anyway.

Let’s look at some things millions, in fact billions of people get up to and feel guilty about. But they shouldn’t.

Eating off the floor.

This can be a delicate one. Everyone has their own idea as to how long food can lie on the floor before you eat it. For some fusspots – zero seconds, never do it. Their loss, for the rest of us it differs.

Instantly picking up the dropped food, dusting it off then putting it in your mouth is what a helluva lot of the world’s population chooses to do. Depends on the food and floor of course – a biscuit or potato chip, no worries. From a public toilet floor, well you shouldn’t have to be told, really.

Then there are the other cases – discovering food on the floor that you’re not sure how long has been there. Shrugging, bending down, picking it up and eating it. You’re not necessarily hungry, but curious maybe or happy – like finding money in your pocket.

Listening to probably-not-cool music.

Of course this depends on the person as to what they’d feel guilty about listening to. A 14 year old girl dancing around in her bedroom to Maroon 5 is perfectly natural. A grown man of 45 dancing around in his bedroom to Maroon 5, while not natural, is not hurting anybody.

The classical music snob who doesn’t mind a bit of Bon Jovi in the car. The alternative rock guru who knows all the words to Carly Rae Jepsen hits.

Just don’t let your friends catch you.

Pick a winner – up your nose

Madonna correctly claimed that everyone picks their nose. Gross but necessary. Actually, only gross if someone spots you. Otherwise the perfect crime. The main difference is some don’t care as much as others if caught. Hello all males from 6 months old to 100. Females are more discreet, at least in traffic they think they are. Not in the car ladies, someone has probably seen you. A co-worker perhaps.

Expiry dates are merely suggestions

Now come on, be honest. Who hasn’t gone to the fridge, taken out the milk/juice, glanced at the expired date, then shrugged and glugged? It didn’t kill us, so we’d do it again.

Chocolate, cereal, bread, bacon, pasta – we’ve all been there.

There are some who are militant in throwing away anything past the use by date, but let’s face it – it is really a suggestion. Best to follow the rules of course when it comes to fish and meat. Spending a few days on the toilet thanks to salmonella is no day at the beach. Speaking of which, why single out salmon to describe all of food poisoning? It’s a great fish. Sardinella would be more fitting, but anyway.

It goes without saying that you should definitely adhere to the dates if hosting a BBQ and your meats are out on display for all to see. “30% off reduced!” stickers or days past the date is not a good look, unless you don’t want the guests to come back.

Drinking straight from the juice/milk carton

Not so bad if it’s the last but guzzling some then putting it back isn’t so great in most people’s books. Unless nobody sees you, that is.

To those who say “Why not just use a glass?!” others say “Why use a glass?”

If caught and are hit with the old, “Oh  gross – how could you!” you can always play the “hey – we all have the same DNA” card.

Good enough for Tony Soprano, good enough for some.

Office toilet phone break

Discreetly (or not) pocket your phone and head off to the work toilet, find a cubicle and lock yourself in. You have no intention of doing a No.1 or 2 but the more paranoid will take their pants down in case someone sticks their head over the top to check. Anddddd…off we go! Time for some serious Insta checking, Youtubing, Candy Crushing, whatever.

Technically you’re not hurting anyone, but getting paid to sit on a toilet someone actually needs to use so you can like a video of a dog on a trampoline? Why not!

These are some of the many secret shames we hold close to our hearts, the secrets that make us cringe as we do them. Again and again. And yet while we wouldn’t want others to see us these are relatively victimless crimes.

The important thing to remember is this: you’re not alone.

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